It's 0630, and for reasons that I may or may not feel comfortable revealing, I can't sleep. I hate it when things bother me to this point. I kinda like the little sleep that I do get. Being nocturnal and working during day-light hours, leaves me at about 5-6 hours of sleep a night.

Sometimes I just want to know, "Why". Why can't I easily let go of the past? Why am I a glutton for punishment? Why not move on with my life? Why, why, why, why, why?

Oh hell screw it. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a song. I decided to tell you all about it. I just figured out that it's not just about my ex-wife, but my ex-girlfriend too. Get this... I had to get out of a very good relationship with a very great woman, because I'm still not over my ex-girlfriend. Yup, still in love with her. (how lame is that?) Now my whole world is upside down now that I find out that she's gotten married. Less than a year after we broke up, and she's married. Talk about twisting the knife. Now, not only do I have to deal with the fact that I sitll love her; I have to deal with the fact that I'm in love with a married woman.

Now that really messes with my head. I have really strong principles when it comes to marriage. I respect the institution. Married women are off-limits. Won't mess with 'em. No way. No how. But now I find myself being dragged into this sort of moral gray-area by my still-beating, broken heart. "Thou shalt not commit adultry", and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife", keep ringing in my head overgrown church bells. For some reason, however, what once mattered a lot doesn't seem to matter as much with my heart so intimately involved.

I don't know exactly what to do. Part of me wants to go out there and monkey-wrench their realationship. Part of me wants to watch it fail on its own. Part of me definately wants to commit adultery. All of me? Still in love with AJ.

One of these days I hope to find what it is that I'm looking for. I hope to be able to love that person with the same fervor that she loves me when I do find her. That's so imortant. Too often in my life I've been more in love with someone than they were capable of loving me. Now I fear that when I do find the person that loves me with all of their heart, I won't be able to love them in kind. I've got to go now. It's like 0700 and I am still no closer to resolving my problem than I was when I started.


AJ... I will always love you.

You scored as Rocker, Mosher. Your A Rocker! </td> Rocker, Mosher 80% Trendy 55% Prepy 40% Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev 40% Goth 25% Emo 20% Skater 10% What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect created with QuizFarm.com

Blargh! And ahoy, mates!

'Tis me, Captain "Long-John" Blackwood, returned t'ye from me cozy cabin in the aft o' th' Blackwater. We've been under way fer 'bout close t' a fortnight an' the crew's once again in the highest of spirits. (Finally got that thar wee rum situation under control)

'Fore we set sail, I heard me a tale of a Spanish vessel carryin' gold from th' New World. Got me a course an' headin' even. If the winds see fit t'be kind t'us, we might be able to reach the Santa Barbara 'fore she reaches her next port o' call. The scallywag what told me the tale, put it to me that the crew o' the Barbara put 'em ashore fer stowin' away. I figure's that revenge be a right good motivator fer settin' the Blackwater on the scent. Didn't ask a'nothin' in return. I's likin' that fact. Too bad I had t'kill 'em. I kinda liked the chap, but can't abide by anyone goin' to th' authorities. Besides, if'n he were lyin' an tryin' t' bait a trap fer me an th' crew, it'd save me th'trip back. We've more than enough guns on this ship t' take on a single ship.

Oh th'anticipation! I'm feeling it in me bones. 'Tis been awhile since I gave a good plunderin'. And with the extra men I picked up at The Isle o' Sorrows, I estimate enough to crew both vessels. Fancy that, Admiral Blackwood. I thinks me likes th'sound o' that. If we don't catch 'er, though, we'll use the extra hands t'chum the water with. The sharks what we catch'll make up nicely fer the extra food we's unable t'load, given th' extra hands an' all. (Shhhh! Don't tell me men. I'd have to put down a mutiny fer sure)

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! </td> English 100% Journalism 100% Linguistics 92% Sociology 92% Engineering 83% Mathematics 83% Psychology 75% Dance 75% Theater 67% Anthropology 67% Philosophy 58% Art 58% Biology 33% Chemistry 25% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

As promised, what follows is a pirate's blog...
I just thought it'd be funny.

Blargh! Another day passes an' me an' me crew's still awaitin' the repairs to the "Blackwater". She's a good ship, sturdy in a fight. The men's gettin' restless, there were six more rapes reported last night than the night afore. "I keeps tellin' ye lads", I says. "Me arm's gettin' tired from wieldin' that damn whip." Discipline s'always been easier on the open ocean. Too many days in port leaves a Captain with a lazy crew. The sure threat of a long walk off of a wee plank, definately goes a long way to keepin yer crew inline.

An' t' top things off, the scurvy dogs is tryin' to drink me outta rum's fast's I can get it loaded. What's a pirate t'do?

Anyways, I must needs be goin'. The supper bell's aringin.

There's not much to tell today. It's pretty dull, as far as days go. I'm just sitting here contemplating life.

More lava-lamp music. Classic rock is definately the way to go.

Individuality is not about excluding all others who don't share your views. Rather, it is quite the opposite. It's respecting others' rights to be individuals. It's loving yourself to the point at which you no longer feel you have to belong to something. It's being comfortable in your own skin.

Me? I'm 26 years old, black, and have a thing for classic rock. In fact I front a classic rock/garage band with metal tendancies. People make fun of that, but you know what? I'm ok with it. It's part of who I am. It's part of me. I can't be anything less than myself. That's freedom.

I'm totally free to be me. That feels good; incredibly so. I was not placed on planet earth to please the masses. And I do not, surely, posess a cybernetic mind. There are those in this country on the far right end of the political spectrum who feel that we all need to think the same, possess the same morals. While morals are not a bad thing, depriving somone of the choice to follow your beliefs is akin to trying to stamp out their humanity. We are not the Borg. Resistance is not futile.

I will not stand by and be assimilated by facist legislation. I will fight it until my dying breath. To do otherwise is death. With out free will and the abillity to choose, what are we left with? Nothing. We become mindless automotons without any motivation to better ouselves. You become me, I become you. Our differences--the things that make us human--are gone.

Tomorrow...
A pirates Blargh! Because I always wondered what a pirate would say if given the chance to use a computer.

Before you take the poll you have to understand that there are only two choices. Think long and hard, because they are your only choices. You are not alowed a non-answer. So take at your own risk. Post as comments why you picked what you did. It should be fun, and a way for me to get to know you better.

Poll #795951
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

Would you rather...

...And Now... My first journal entry.

It's about 1/4 till 0300, and I'm still wide awake thinking about the song and lyrics I wrote earlier. It's a sad song about a man who's girl is about to leave him for good. He doesn't want her to, and the lyrics are him talking to her. I don't know where it came from. I heard a bass-line in my head, and the lyrics just started flowing like water from a freshly burst dam. I wrote, sang, re-wrote and sang again. Still I don't know where it came from. I don't feel like that now, but I think I have in the past.

In fact I saw the woman I believe the song to be written to earlier tonight. She was beautiful, just as always, and I again realized that I still loved her. It wasn't the same as before, but I was love just as sure as I'm writing this blog. She and I come from different worlds, yet the same. It is strange. There are things that bother me about her. Things she does, or says. It is in those moments that we are most different. But I also think about the reasons I fell for her in the first place... the way she looked at me, the way she'd smile, her intellect, her since of humor. They are all different from mine, yet they are the same.

I guess I will forever be bound to love this woman, event-though she didn't feel bound to me.